MORE ABOUT ASKING NOT TELLING

1)What and how questions: Instead of telling kids what happened and how they should feel about it - ask them ‘what happened’, ‘how did it happen’? You must be genuinely interested in your child’s view for this for be effective!

2) Asking why is generally NOT a helpful question - stick with understanding what and how

3) Help children explore how they feel and think by asking curiosity questions (see previous blog post)

4) Reflective Listening is a way of paying attention intently and reflecting back what your child is telling you, what you are hearing

5) Active Listening goes beyond reflective listening as you help your child to make sense of their emotional experience. Often it helps to start the sentence with ‘I wonder if maybe you are feeling worried, because you forgot your homework at school? Is that a possibility” If the child said ‘no’, I wouldn’t insist. It is important the children know their feelings can be identified, put into words and shared - you don’t need to be ‘right’. You can also use an example from your own life: “I know I feel irritated when I am talking to you and you pick up your phone’

6) I “notice” statements, can also be helpful. I notice that when something has not gone well at school you often come home and go directly to your room. Again cueing children into the fact that feelings effect our mood/behaviour and then our relationships is the first step towards greater awareness of internal experiences and making change. You can also ‘notice’ what is not done, and then remind the child about structure. “I notice your homework is still not done, time to get to it!”.

7) Finally it is always best to listen with your mind focused on what the other person is saying, not what you are going to say next!