TOOLS FOR POSITIVE DISCIPLINE - the basics
1) Take time for training - kids need skills, and skills need to be taught.
Watch for a behavioural challenge pattern, figure out what skills would help and teach them to your child. Then help them to PRACTICE. Help them to develop the skills they need, and take pride in what they can do.
2) Be Kind and Firm - being kind is not always nice. To summarize in one sentence - ‘I love you, AND the answer is no”.
To be kind you don’t have to please your child, rescue, overprotect, pamper, micromanage, give too many choices, or make sure your child never feels distress. Being kind and firm requires connection but also sometimes saying ‘no’ or supporting your child to do ‘the hard thing’. Offer limited choices.
3) Winning Cooperation - express your understanding of your child’s feelings, empathy does not mean you necessarily agree or condone, then share your feelings and perceptions, and invite the child to focus - with you - on finding a solution or a way to work together.
4) Schedule Special Time - with your child. Make sure to take time to enjoy your child.
Building up positive moments in relationship can help when there is conflict. Dr. Stanley Greenspan, a very seasoned child psychiatrist, advocated Floortime - a deliberate way to spend time with your child - on the floor, in child-led play - as soon as you get in the door. In the past that meant no mail, no phone messages, no meal preparation - today that would mean no iphone, no email, no texting, no checking social media - ‘just’ giving your child your full attention. You will be surprised at how well your evening will flow after some Floortime!
5) Practice Being Present. Sometimes it is good to practice just being around, available, and listening to your kids talk.
When they are a bit older, it is also good to do something not face-to-face, which sometimes allows freer conversation - like going for a walk or a ride in the car. You can use curiosity questions to find out more about how your child, ‘feels, thinks and decides.’
6) Help your child to develop problem solving skills. Brainstorm together.
Suggest they create lists or images to help move towards a solution that works. Kids are more likely to follow a plan if they have been involved in creating it. This is the same idea when creating a visual schedule, or a list of routines. Learn together how to stop, calm down, and solve a problem instead of reacting.
7) Encourage improvement, not perfection.
Practice patience, and small steps. Focus on solutions, how to learn from a mistake, how to develop strengths and minimize weaknesses.
8) Flood the system with love, and be optimistic/have faith, or make sure the message of love gets through.
9) Plan in advance. Say it with a word, or an action. Decide what you will do.
10) Silent or non-verbal signals - sometimes less is more, use one word, or a gesture as a reminder or a cue.
10) Make it a Game - sometimes when there is conflict or disagreement it is good to use a sense of humour and play by making a joke, singing the request, using a puppet or a mask.
